Prayer. Pursuit. Progress.

So the past 2 weeks have been as much of a roller coaster as the first month. I realize I haven’t written since the day before my 22nd (Feb 12), but to my sister’s constant wishing for me to write again, haha, I thought I’d come out of hiding.

There is a reason to why I haven’t been on this bad boy, though. Communicationisms. See, don’t worry bout that not being a real word. It is now. For a week while we were rafting down the Pacuare River, then at Manuel Antonio, there was no internet. Then for the past week here, there have only been 2 computers that have working internet, so the daily slugfest for Facebook occurs from 8am-8pm. And when it comes to writing on this little guy, I’d rather do it in my closet, with the door shut behind me (if you follow what I mean). So while there’s been no internet, I’ve decided to start putting my specified area of study, English, to use by creating words. Like Communicationisms (or the lack thereof…).

Seriously, though, it is crazy to me that in 3 weeks I will be on a flight back to the States. And if I’m honest with myself, that comforts me a little. I’m still having some bouts with homesickness, but its just that comfort game again. My sister wrote my yesterday about facing my fears head on and how she’s proud of me for doing so. But really, I didn’t step into this BECAUSE of my fears, but rather my fears were brought to the forefront by being here. See, something happens when we finally step outside that bubble and into the unknown. It takes this sheath, this blanket, that covers our hearts and leaves you vulnerable. And isn’t that what we’re all afraid of? Being vulnerable? Potentially being hurt?

This is where my heart lies today…being vulnerable before Him with a situation I’ve been praying about and hoping for for close to 8 years now. In my devotional, SOLO, it talked about the story in 2 Kings 4 where this woman comes before Elisha with her desires. At first she is hesitant to reveal what her heart desires out of fear that she will be crushed again. But then, after gaining some trust and hope, she tells him that her greatest desire is for a son. When he says that in one year she’ll have one, her immediate reaction is, "Please do not be decieving me. Do not lie to me about this." So a year later, she bears a son. Some years later, though, once he is grown, he dies in her lap one day. At this she goes back visit Elisha. When he sees her, he becomes worried and asks what is wrong. Her reply is, "It is well." But once she’s away from other people and can be vulnerable, she breaks down at his feet crying out, "All of my hopes have failed."

This story is me. And so for the first time, this morning I realize that I’m terrified to trust God with certain things. Because of where my story has led me, I’m horribly afriad to trust God with this situation. I feel like everytime I get a taste of it, all the hopes for it coming to fruition fail, and I’m left broken. But my heart has become callussed (spelling has to be wrong on that one). So instead of coming to Him after the initial reaction is over, and truly getting to the deep source of the problem, I bury it. Now, 8 years later, its finally welled up to the surface. This morning, when I got alone and vulnerable, I had my at His feet breakdown.

Why am I so afraid to trust in Him with certain things, but its so easy for me to trust Him with others? And so this is where my heart lies. And this is where the truth of this situation lies…Broken down at His feet. I made myself vulnerable and actually tapped into my heart’s caverns.

So you see, it’s nt so much that we step into our fears and face them, but rather when the opportunity arises to go into the unknown, that blanket is lifted and the fears are surfaced. My fear is that all my hopes and desires will fail and be crushed once more. For me, maybe it took this trip to Costa Rica to find that out, but maybe all it really took was me leaving my bubble. Getting away from my normal; letting go of that security blanket and TRYING to trust Him that He’ll hold me up.

"I love you. It was me who knit you together in your mother’s womb."   -Psalm 139:13

So I am placing this on my heart. Placing my fears, hopes, and desires at His feet and saying, "Hear my cry. Rend the heavens and come to my side. ‘Hold my hand, I can’t stand alone.’" Do I know how to trust in Him with this yet, no, but I’m willing to step into the unknown journey that is trusting Him. Even with the situations I’ve been praying for for so long, yet have "failed" each time. Stay Strong. Love.

-M@

Once again…Cool Hand Luke has the best lyrics in the world:

"Let me tell you what He did for me, the weight of my worries tearing my sleeve. I cried to my Father, the end of all hope. ‘Show me the rope, which way to go.’ As I fell asleep, He took away my worries. He picked me up and put me on His shoulders. I could see for miles. He showed me that the mountain I’m climbing is not a moutain at all, but a gentle slope leading Home. There are mountains towering ahead. He says to me, ‘These are mine. Hold my hand. You’ll be fine.’ I could see for miles. He showed me that the mountain I’m climbing is not a mountain at all, but a gentle slope leading Home. ‘The mountains are mine. The mountains are mine. The mountains are mine.’"

"One Time", Cool Hand Luke

So I’m almost done with the first month of my journey here in Costa Rica. Funny how I call it a journey, cuz it’s really not that crazy compared to a lot of other things. We have our last day of class and then we go to San Jose for a day, and get another week rafting and at the beach before continuing in our "studies." My schedule for the next month consists of waking up before breakfast, taking pictures of everything in the jungle, then nothing until 2:55 when I have Spanish. That’s it. Mixed with a lot of soccer probably during the day. Which is weird for me, cuz uh…I dribble with my hands. I have skis for feet so the whole control thing doesn’t work as well as it should. But it’s really entertaining and a good workout. So Nate, if you read this…a. be jealous. b. be proud of your boy. and oh….the zip line canopy tours are in 2 weeks. upside down anyone?

But I’ve been thinking a lot recently. I mean, what’s new…? This whole first half of the time out here i focused so much on my comfort level. I wondered about how I was going to make it through a week straight at my homestay. I worried. Period.

And there’s my problem.

As I’ve been trying to adopt this whole ‘Pura Vida’ thing, I still never quite (and still don’t fully) grasped the ‘just living’ piece of the puzzle. The no worrying. Especially about things I can’t control. So it brings me to the realization that my focus is waaaayyyy off. And quite frankly, probably has been for, oh…my entire life. I’m such a contemplative person that I tend to worry and over-analyze everything possible. Trying to figure out the best possible way to do certain things. When in reality, all that Jesus called for me to do was LIVE. JUST BE. IN HIM. He tells us that the best possible way to live is by following Him. So why does my focus remain on the smaller hills that roll into my story?

In my bible study, which I miss by the way, Reed Moore always tells us that maybe our focus is wrong in talking about our struggles. The tendency is to talk about how badly we need to get over this mountain in our life and how much it brings us down. But rather than focusing on the problem, why can’t we focus on the solution that we already have? Instead, I end up spending most of my time worrying and contemplating of how to get over and through something.

It’s nothing I can DO. It’s something He DID. "It is finished." Oh, the wonder and glory and love of His Grace.

Now left with this truth, we attack the focus issue. It’s nothing I can do, therefore my contemplating over and over on an issue won’t change anything. My sister wrote about God’s sovereignty the other day, it rang something back up in my mind from my senior year in HS. I read "The Holiness of God" by R.C. Sproul during the fall of that year. It teaches about the Glory and Holiness of God. But even more, it provides a glimpse into His sovereignty. You see, nothing we do, no choice, decision, failure, or accomplishment, can alter His Sovereignty. The Story is already written…are you going to fall in tune with the Author’s pages? After all, His story and life is the BEST POSSIBLE LIFE. He says so.

In my devotional (’SOLO’ by Eugene Peterson), it talked yesterday about David and his battle with Goliath. When Saul is looking for anyone to stand up to behemoth looming across the field, the delivery boy, not even suited in armor, is the only one to come forth. Saul then immediately scoffs at this gesture and denies the request. But David persists, for He KNOWS something that Saul doesn’t…The Lord is going to deliver David’s enemies into his hands. And the story continues as most of you know it…

You see, David’s focus wasn’t on the giant Philistine looming in the distance, but rather it was on the One who wrote the story, tied the ropes of his slingshot, placed the specific rocks in David’s sling, and guided them as they fell Goliath. He had no need to worry for He KNEW God was on His side and had a plan.

‘Make the conscious choice to move the attention of your anxious heart away from [the] waves and direct  it to the one who walks on them and says, ‘It’s Me. Don’t be afraid.’…Look at Him and say, ‘Lord, have mercy.’ Say it again and again, not anxiously but with confidence that he is very close to you and will put your soul to rest.’       -Henri Nouwen

So where is our focus? What are our anxieties and worries? Are the some Goliaths in our life looming down at us across the fields of the unknown future? Are there mountains soaring into the horizon that block any attempt to hope for the light of tomorrow? Where is my attention? On the Goliaths and anxieties of my future or on the One who controls my future?

My Goliath was my comfort and where it was found. I’m slowly getting it, but getting it surely. THIS is where my comfort is…that He’s already written it all. He built the mountains that lay ahead. He formed the waves as they roll into my shore. He’s walking on top of them, drawing near to my side. So have no need to worry about my time here in Costa Rica. I’m just going to live and enjoy it. Breathe in the fresh air…breathe in with pneuma.

stay strong. love. I miss you all…

-M@

—-and I get to try my hand at riding the waves in 5 days! haha, so good.

Becca, can’t wait to eat your cake. Nick, can’t wait to ball with ya. Katelynn and Tanner, can’t wait to throw you in the air. Mom and Dad, can’t wait to see you and hug you. And your cooking, too, Mom. Chicken Lynn, por favor? Love you.

So I have a new passion…riding horses. I’m not talking like walking ‘em around, I mean runnin’ those bad boys. Today we had our final Horseback Riding class. We went on a mile long trek around the mountains and through these paths. It was amazing. Once I finally figured out how to ride and not hurt myself (posture is crucial), it made everything easier and more enjoyable…naturally. haha, seriously, though, it was one of the coolest things I’ve ever done. Our "teacher/leader," Lelo, was riding the fastest horse, Moro. On our way back we had to go back up this big hill. Zonto, my horse, took off ahead of Lelo and Moro. Running what I thought was full speed, I was leading everyone up the hill. Then I look to my right and here comes Lelo racing by, slapping Moro on the back to make him go faster. He signals for me to do it, too, if I want, to catch up. I give him a swift slap and Yippee Cay Aye…apparently Zonto wasn’t running his fastest before, haha! It was amazing, and the mountains all around only made it better. Bridgette mentioned that she felt like we wer ein New Zealand or something. I couldn’t have agreed more…I felt like I was a Rider of Rohan following Shadowfax, the King of Horses (Lord of the Rings). If I’m able to have any land when I grow up I’m gettin a horse, and we’re gonna be tight friends.

And I just said when I grow up…haha, I’m 22 in 6 days. I know I’m still really young, but feels like I’m gettin old. I freakin graduate in May. From college! You kiddin’ me?!?

So I’m bout to ride into that BREEZE con mi amigo Zonto.

Ride. Fly. Catch it and take off…

stay strong. love.

-M@

And did ya look up "Pneuma"? Good stuff, right? Why can’t we get it right with our words like they did back then…

So it is hot as freakin fire today. El clima esta en fuego. haha, I don’t think that works as a proper phrase, but whatever. wear it. Normally there is a strong wind that carries over the mountains behind our campus, making it perfect weather here, but the past few days there has been nothing. Clear skies, no wind, and the sun just beating down on Monteverde. I need that breeze…

We only have 5 more days of class until our finals, which start next Monday. It’s crazy that I’m almost done with 5 hours of class. And half of this program! After our finals we go bakc to San Jose on the 13th (someone’s 22nd birthday). We have a free day in the city all day, then travel to the Pacuare River on the 14th and 15th to go rafting. Apparently its a top 10 ranked river in the world. Not too sure bout all that, but thats all the hooplah about it. I’m excited for it, though. If nothing else this journey is allowing me some cool opportunities that I never would have otherwise.

Over the weekend we travelled to the Nicoya Peninsula. The first thing to know about the Nicoya is that it’s hot. No fun. And really dusty. We got to go spelunking, though. First, I think this may be the most awkward wor din the English dictionary. Spelunking. Really? Who in the world cam eup with that? Anywho, the caves were crazy. I’m reading The Lord of the Rings right now, so I felt like I was inside Moria, getting a glance at what it was like for Gimli and the others on their journey. The big thing about caves is that the make you appreciate fresh air. It’s just stale and muggy and sticky in there. But being able to see it all was well worth the 50 foot climb down and the old air.

So far I’ve been to a volcano, no wait, three volcanoes, seen a rainbow about every other day, been inside a cave, and ridden on busses across the whole mountainous country of Costa Rica for many many hours. In other words, Dramamine is my best friend.

I may be looking forward to what happens AFTER the Pacuare even more, though. We have a "mid-program break" for 4 days to do whatever we want. A bunch of us are going to Manuel Anotnio, Costa Rica. 4 days on the beach. It’s gonna be sooo nice. So while my friends are laving away with exams around the first quarter of classes, I’ll be surfing in Costa Rica. I know you love that…

My heart has been trying to focus on the ‘Shemah’. What it means. How it rings through your heart.

"Attention, Israel! God, our God, God the one and only. Love God, your God, with all your heart. Love Him with all that’s in you, love Him with all that you have!"

This Jewish prayer was said every morning by the children of God. A reminder to love. A reminder to worship. A reminder to follow. I think sometimes all of us could use that little breeze of a reminder with our faiths. Don’t let the air of your faith sit in a cave to get stale. Catch the breeze. Ride it. Move everyday along His love.

Pneuma. look it up…

stay strong. love.

-M@